Making Amends

Tiffany Goss • August 7, 2023

Mistakes are a part of life. We all make them. Hopefully, we even learn from them!

Intellectually we probably understand that mistakes are part of our children’s process of learning and growing. Yet as parents and caregivers, it can be hard to know how to handle situations when our children don’t do the right thing. 


Think about those times when your child is rude, breaks something, or hits a playmate. In those moments, we all too often want our children to immediately apologize. However, apologies can quickly become an easy and surface-level response. Plus, our children might not (yet) feel sorry for what they did.


Although apologies can be a good first step, they are just that…a first step. Really it is the process of making amends that is the most meaningful. 


Making Amends

How do we support children who have made a mistake and aren't sure about how to make amends? Genuine apologies certainly aren't easy, but it's a lot easier to apologize for a mistake than it is to fix it. Diane Gossen's book, Restitution: Restructuring School Discipline, provides a framework for helping young people learn from their mistakes and hopefully make the right choices in the future. 


The definition of restitution revolves around the restoration of something damaged, lost, or stolen, which basically means restoring what was affected to its original state. When we make mistakes, it can feel like squeezing too much toothpaste out of the tube. Getting the excess back in can feel impossible. Yet the process of cleaning up and restoring what we can is how we make things right again. 

Recipe for Restitution

Gossen's recipe for restitution is designed to help the mistake-maker experience a healing process, which can be considered self-restoration. According to Gossen, the process of making things right again should include the following components:


  • The person(s) affected by the mistake will feel that the restitution is acceptable and appropriate.
  • The restitution will require effort.
  • By making amends, the mistake-maker will be discouraged (or at least not encouraged to repeat the mistake.


For the process to be really exceptional, three other characteristics may be involved:


  • The restitution will be logically connected to the mistake.
  • The process will connect to a deeper understanding of the big picture of how people treat each other.
  • The experience will actually strengthen the mistake-maker.


In supporting the process of making amends, we must be very careful to refrain from criticizing, inducing guilt, or expressing anger. Also, we must not feel like we are overextending ourselves. The person trying to fix the mistake must own the process.


Opportunities

If we are attentive to opportunities for our children to make things right, we can approach mistakes differently. For example, if your child has been rude to someone, take some time after the fact to hear what your child was feeling at that moment. Perhaps they were upset about something that happened prior. Or maybe they were just hungry. The key is to let your child know that you are genuinely curious about what they were feeling. In the process, you can acknowledge and affirm those feelings. Likely your child already feels remorse for how they behaved. The next step is to brainstorm ways to make amends for those actions. Often children want to start with an apology, so it’s worth exploring if they want to apologize with words or with actions. From the apology, you can start to dig into how to make things right. For example, think together about how the relationship can be repaired so that the other person feels secure and safe, rather than uncertain or hurt.   


Perhaps your child, in a fit of frustration, ends up dropping a plate on the floor. When it shatters, the trick is to not react. Rather, let your child feel the intensity of the moment. Take some deep breaths. Offer to help and yet be clear that all the broken pieces need to be cleaned up so they don’t cut anyone’s feet. The process may be long and effortful. Yet your child’s care of the broken plate is part of the experience of making amends. Later, you can acknowledge how hard your child worked to fix the mistake. 


A similar process applies if your child hits a playmate. Staying non-reactive is especially important in these moments, as we are modeling how to stay in control when emotions get heightened. Check-in with the hurt child to make sure they are okay. Then wonder about and acknowledge your child’s feelings. “You seemed really frustrated and then you hit. It can be hard when we have big feelings. It’s also not okay to hit.” There is no shaming or forced apology. Just a clear translation of what happened. When your child feels calm and grounded, you can offer some ways to make amends. “I wonder how we can show your friend some kindness.” 


Younger children need our support in working through these steps. They often will need some modeling or suggestions for restoring the relationship or repairing the damage. As our children mature and internalize the restitution process, they will need less guidance and perhaps only a bit of gentle support.


If you are curious about how all of this works amongst a community of children, please schedule a tour of our school, www.childrenstree.org/schedule-tour. We would love to share how we help children embrace mistakes as part of their learning!


Subscribe to our Blog

You might also like

By Danielle Giordano February 4, 2026
The body content of your post goes here. To edit this text, click on it and delete this default text and start typing your own or paste your own from a different source.
By Danielle Giordano January 30, 2026
In Montessori elementary classrooms, we like to introduce big ideas with big stories. We offer children a sense of wonder first, sort of like an imaginative doorway, so that when they later study formulas, theorems, and proofs, they already feel connected to the human story behind them. One of these stories is The Story of How Geometry Got Its Name, an introduction to a subject that is far older than the textbooks and protractors we encounter today. In Montessori, Geometry is more than about shapes. It is about human beings solving real problems in the real world. A Problem as Old as Civilization To introduce geometry, we take children about five thousand years back in time to the ancient civilization of Egypt. This was a land shaped by the , the longest river in the world. Each year, the Nile flooded its banks as snowmelt poured down from the mountains far to the south. The Egyptians depended on this yearly flood as it left behind rich, dark silt that nourished their crops and made life possible in an otherwise harsh desert. But the flood created a challenge, too. It washed away the boundary markers that separated one farmer’s field from another. When the waters receded, no one could quite remember where their land began and ended. Arguments ensued. “This corner is mine!” And the fields needed to be measured and marked again. The First Geometers: The Rope Stretchers To solve this annual problem, the Egyptians relied on a special group of skilled workers called the Harpedonaptai, or Rope Stretchers. These were early land surveyors who used a knotted rope tied at regular intervals and three weights to create a very particular triangle. In the classroom, we invite a few children to hold a prepared rope at its large knots, forming that same triangle. As they stretch it out and lay it on the ground, many quickly recognize what the Egyptians had unknowingly created: a scalene right-angled triangle. This shape would later become central to the geometry studied by Greek mathematicians. The Rope Stretchers used this simple tool to re-establish field boundaries, set right angles, and make sure the land was measured accurately and fairly. Geometry, in its earliest form, served a deeply practical purpose. From Rope to Pyramid The Rope Stretchers’ expertise was valued far beyond the farmlands. They also helped lay out the foundations of temples, monuments, and even the Great Pyramid of Giza. The base of the Great Pyramid is a perfect square, which is an astonishing feat of measurement and design. The Pharaoh himself oversaw these measurements, but it was the Rope Stretchers who executed them. Their work represents one of humanity’s earliest recorded sciences: the careful measuring of the earth. How Geometry Got Its Name The name geometry reflects this ancient practice. It comes from two Greek words: gê — earth metron — measure Geometry literally means earth measurement. The Egyptians did not use the language of right angles, nor did they classify triangles as we do today. Their work was grounded in practical needs. They needed to solve problems, organize land, and create structures that would endure for thousands of years. Yet their discoveries influenced later thinkers like Pythagoras, who likely traveled to Egypt and learned from their methods. Over time, the simple knotted rope inspired a whole discipline devoted to understanding lines, angles, shapes, and the relationships between them. Why We Tell This Story in Montessori When Montessori children hear this story, something important happens. Geometry becomes more than a set of rules or vocabulary words. It becomes a human endeavor born from curiosity, necessity, and ingenuity. This is the heart of Montessori’s cosmic education: helping children see knowledge not as isolated subjects, but as gifts from generations before them. When children pick up a ruler, explore angles with a protractor, or classify triangles in the classroom, they are continuing a legacy that began with those early Rope Stretchers on the banks of the Nile. Through story, children feel connected to the people who shaped our world and to the problems that inspired great ideas. Schedule a tour today to see how geometry becomes meaningful, purposeful, and alive for our children here in Old Saybrook, CT.
Gratitude: Why We Celebrate the Unsung Heroes
November 25, 2024
As elementary children admire heroes, Montessori uses this to inspire leadership, cooperation, and appreciation for both known and unknown heroes.
More Posts