Looking Deeper: Understanding Needs Behind Behaviors

June 10, 2024

Now that we are transitioning into the summer months, it’s a good time to take stock of some family dynamics. Usually when thinking about how things are going, we focus on children’s behaviors. Yet reflecting upon ourselves and our actions can also be a helpful first step.

First Look at Needs

Psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs has explored how human behavior has a purpose. Sometimes we are aware of the purpose and sometimes it is unconscious. Through his work with children, Dreikurs described how to understand behavior by first acknowledging the needs a person is trying to fulfill.

At the most basic level, we all need food, sleep, love, and protection. Certainly, if children (or adults) are starting to act out in some way, the first question to ask is if they are hungry, tired, or not feeling well. Once those basic needs are met, we can consider what else might be at play.

As humans, our need for belonging, connection, or significance is a strong force. If we don’t feel loved or accepted, we may do something (often unconsciously) to get affection or attention, maybe lash out to get even with whoever doesn't seem to be noticing these needs, or perhaps even retreat into a discouraged mode.

Understand Mistaken Goals

Dreikurs identified how many behaviors stem from four mistaken goals: the desire for attention, the need for power, the hunger for revenge, and the assumption of inadequacy. If our goal is attention, the coded message behind the behavior is "notice me" or "involve me usefully" If we need power, our behavior sends the message that we need meaningful ways to contribute. If we are trying to get revenge, we are communicating that we are hurting or need our feelings validated. And when we assume inadequacy by giving up or wanting to be left alone, the message behind the behavior is that we need people to believe in us and show small steps toward success.

Although Dreikurs focused on children, the principles apply to us all. When we "act out," what are we trying to communicate to those around us? First and foremost, we should check and see if our basic needs are being met. Are we taking time to breathe? Are we eating nourishing food? Are we getting substantial sleep? If we are taking care of our basic needs, we can reflect upon what else might unconsciously be motivating our actions. Do we need someone to notice our efforts? Do we feel powerful in our lives? Are we doing work that matters? Are we holding onto a grudge? Are we discouraged?

Practice Self-Acceptance

Children need the adults in their lives to peer behind their behavior, consider underlying causes, and provide empowering support. As adults, however, we often need to do this for ourselves first. At the heart of the process is self-acceptance. We need to love ourselves unconditionally and give ourselves the time and space to attend to our unconscious motivations.

One of the first acts of loving kindness we can do is take care of ourselves, notice our own needs, and patiently honor our efforts. When we are clear about our own needs, we can then be more effective in interpreting our children’s unmet or unspoken needs.

Examine the Clues

Once we have given ourselves some grace, we can better pause and notice what might be behind our children’s behavior. If we’ve considered our own unmet needs, we can have more empathy for what might be unconsciously motivating our children.

A key to this is to see what emotions we feel when our children act out in some way. The Positive Discipline approach, which is based on Dreikurs’ work, offers a helpful tool called the Mistaken Goal Chart.

When our children display some sort of bothersome or upsetting behavior, we can use this chart to hone in on three significant clues that let us know what our children actually need.

The first clue can be found in recognizing what emotions our children’s behavior brings up for us. Do we feel annoyed and irritated, angry and challenged, hurt and disappointed, or hopeless and inadequate?

The next clue is how we react to the behavior. Do we coax? Give in? Fight back? Retaliate? Give up? Try to over-help?

The third clue is how our children respond to our reactions. Do they stop temporarily but then resume the behavior? Does the behavior intensify? Is there retaliation? Or just passivity?

Peel Back the Layers

By using the Mistaken Goal Chart, we can begin to peel back the layers and start to understand what beliefs may be underlying children’s behaviors. This process helps us also look at how we may be contributing to the behavior and what the coded messages mean. Once we understand all of those pieces we can shift our responses so as to better empower our children in proactive and helpful ways.

Rather than falling into unconscious patterns this summer, let’s first consider and acknowledge our own unspoken needs and proactive ways to take care of ourselves. Then, let’s take the same compassionate approach with our children. Often, we all just need to feel a sense of belonging, connection, and significance. Here’s to creating that together this summer!

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Unifying Words and Their Meanings: The Quiet Genius of Montessori Vocabulary Lessons

By Danielle Giordano • April 6, 2026

Have you ever watched a Montessori teacher give a lesson and thought, "That seemed...very short!”? If so, you may have witnessed a three-period lesson. What looks almost effortlessly simple is actually one of the most carefully designed teaching techniques. The three-period lesson is the primary way we introduce new vocabulary to young children. We use it constantly for phonetic sounds, geometric shapes, textures, quantities, names of parts of a flower, names of continents, and so much more. Virtually every time children learn a precise new word for something they're experiencing with their senses, we are using a version of this lesson. Why Vocabulary Needs Its Own Method Young children are in what Dr. Montessori called a sensitive period for language. This is a window of time when children’s minds are especially primed to absorb new words and refine their understanding of them. It’s important to keep in mind, though, that absorbing a word isn't the same as truly knowing it. Children might hear the word "rough" many times without ever firmly connecting that sound to what their fingers actually feel on a piece of sandpaper. The three-period lesson closes the understanding gap. It's built on an insight Dr. Maria Montessori borrowed from educator Édouard Séguin. Learning a word happens in stages: first association, then recognition, then recall. Moving through those stages deliberately, with no extra words or distractions to clutter the lesson, gives children's minds the clearest possible path to making a lasting connection. “Both object and name should strike the child's understanding at the same time — but only the name itself, and not some other word, should be pronounced.” — Dr. Maria Montessori, The Discovery of the Child The Simplicity of the Three Stages Here's how the three-period lesson unfolds. We’ll use a classic example of teaching the words "rough" and "smooth" with our sensorial textured boards. 1. ASSOCIATION — "This is..." The adult presents the object and names it clearly, with no extra words. The child repeats the word while experiencing the sensation. "This is rough." The child runs their fingers across the surface and repeats: "Rough." 2. RECOGNITION — "Show me..." After a brief pause, the adult asks the child to identify the object by name. The child simply points or touches, and thus no verbal answer is needed. "Which is smooth? Which is rough?" The child points to each in turn. 3. RECALL — "What is this?" The adult points to an object, and the child produces the name themselves, demonstrating that the word is now truly theirs. "What is this?" The child touches the surface and answers: "Rough." The whole lesson might take only two or three minutes, and this brevity is part of what makes it work. A child's attention is fully focused on precise vocabulary acquisition. What Happens When a Child Gets It Wrong One of the most quietly radical aspects of the three-period lesson is what happens when a child gets it wrong. If a child points to the wrong texture in the second stage, the adult doesn't correct. We don’t say, "no, try again.” Instead, we just end the activity gently, with the understanding that we will try the lesson again another day. Dr. Montessori was clear about this approach. A correction at that moment doesn't help a child learn the word. In fact, a correction only reinforces the feeling of having failed. So we simply close the lesson. The child carries no impression of having gotten something wrong, and when we revisit the lesson, the child comes to it fresh. As Dr. Montessori wrote, an error in the second period is simply a sign that the child "was not at that instant ready for the psychic association.” Nothing is wrong with the child. The teaching hasn’t failed. It just wasn’t the right moment. After the Lesson: When Words Come Alive One of the loveliest things to observe after a successful three-period lesson is what children do next. A child who has just learned the words "rough" and "smooth" will often wander the classroom touching things: the edge of a wooden shelf, a piece of fabric, the surface of a stone, and quietly naming the texture to themselves. The words become tools for understanding the world, and they want to use them everywhere. This spontaneous generalization is exactly what the lesson is designed to spark. The goal is never for children to recite vocabulary on command. Rather, we want to give them language that deepens and sharpens their experience of everything around them. Trying It at Home You don't need Montessori materials to use this approach. Any time you want to help a young child connect a precise word to something they're experiencing (the names of spices by smell, the names of fabrics by touch, the names of tools in the garden), the same three-step structure applies. Name it clearly. Ask them to show you. Ask them to tell you. Keep it brief, keep it joyful, and if they get stuck, simply set it aside and try again tomorrow. The lesson works because it respects how young minds learn. New connections need space, simplicity, and the freedom to form without pressure. To see this vocabulary tool in action, schedule a visit here in [Your Location]

Our Montessori Bookshelf: Water Connects Us

By Danielle Giordano • March 30, 2026

Rivers are so important to our human story. They are sources of nourishment, transportation, and connection. We see how children are naturally drawn to water, and rivers offer a powerful way to understand ecology, interdependence, and our place within the natural world. With this in mind, we want to share some of our favorite books about water, rivers, and watersheds. Through story and illustration, children can trace the journey of a single drop of water, observe how land and water shape one another, and begin to understand how human choices affect the health of our planet. We’ve grouped the following collection of river and water-focused books by developmental stage. Each title offers language, beauty, and meaningful context for deeper exploration. Whether you are reading with a toddler, a younger elementary child, or an emerging researcher, these books invite wonder, responsibility, and reverence for one of Earth’s most essential elements. For the Youngest Hey, Water! By Antoinette Portis This picture book takes us on a journey of how water is part of our lives in so many ways: from sprinkler spray to a teardrop trickling. The clean-lined illustrations transition between bird’s-eye views and close-up images. This is a great transition book for toddlers moving from pages with one word labeling a picture to a narrative that connects to daily experience. A Place for Rain By Michelle Schaub, Illustrated by Blanca Gómez A lovely introduction to the concept of rain gardens, this picture book follows a simple story of children witnessing how rain runoff can be transformed from being problematic into something stunning and special for everyone. The sweet, slightly geometric illustrations highlight how even simple actions can have a big impact. Water Is Water By Miranda Paul, Illustrated by Jason Chin Although a picture book about the changing states of water, the lyrical text and charming illustrations make this a delightful and fun-filled page-turner! It’s a great way to introduce young children to the water cycle and the importance of water in our lives. Water Cycle: For Younger Elementary Drop: An Adventure through the Water Cycle By Emily Kate Moon Bridging between comic style and traditional picture book, the story follows the character, Drop, as she travels through the water cycle. Delightful and engaging, this is a great book for younger elementary children and can serve as an easy-to-access resource for understanding the states of water. A Drop Around the World By Barbara Shaw McKinney, Illustrated by Michael S. Maydak Written in rhyming verse, this story follows Drop from a cloud near Maine around the world and back to Cape Cod Bay. A map inside the cover shows the journey, and emoji-style images accompany the text, linking to more detailed descriptions of the amazing science at each step along Drop’s path. Watersheds If the Rivers Run Free By Andrea Debunk, Illustrated by Nicole Wong This captivating picture book takes readers through the human story of rivers’ importance in our lives, the mistakes we’ve made, and how we can make things right and help rivers run free again. The rhythm of the text is accentuated by moments of human realization, with bold statements that step out of the rhyming pattern and gently jar us into a sense of action. The illustrations take readers on a journey, too! One Well: The Story of Water on Earth By Rochelle Strauss, Illustrated by Rosemary Woods Through its clear text and lush illustrations, One Well emphasizes the interconnectedness of water on our planet. It offers an array of interesting information that will appeal to children in elementary years, both through narrative text and short snippets overlaid on the images that fill each page. The fact that this picture book has an index is an indicator of how just how much its 32 pages contains! River Story By Meredith Hooper, Illustrated by Bee Willey Rich in realistic content yet engaging and accessible, this lushly illustrated picture book takes readers on a journey from the source of the river to where it empties into the sea. Watersheds: A Practical Handbook for Healthy Water By Gregor Gilpin Beck, Illustrations by Clive Dobson Best for older readers, this book offers helpful and non-technical information about watershed concepts and environmental concerns. This is an excellent resource for older elementary or younger adolescents engaged in ecology research. The illustrations are beautiful, too! We’d love to hear what you think about these books! You can also download a printable list for the next time you visit your local bookstore or library! Also, feel free to schedule a visit here in [Your Town/Location] to learn more about how the story of water flows through children’s lives!

How Montessori Makes Long Division Make Sense

By Danielle Giordano • March 23, 2026

For many of us, we remember learning long division as a confusing sequence of steps to memorize and repeat (bring down, divide, multiply, subtract), often without a real sense of why it works. In Montessori classrooms, long division unfolds very differently. Through the Racks and Tubes material, children get to experience what division actually is. Two Ways to Divide: Sharing and Grouping Before introducing the material, we first clarify an important idea: there are two different kinds of division problems in real life. One asks, “If I share this equally, how much does each person get?” This is partitive division, or division by sharing. The other asks, “If I make groups of a certain size, how many groups can I make?” This is measurement division, or division by grouping. The Racks and Tubes material focuses on partitive division. Children physically share quantities equally and discover what one share receives. Materials like the Stamp Game emphasize division of measurement. Together, these approaches give children a complete understanding of division and help them choose the strategy that best fits a given problem. What Are Racks and Tubes? At first glance, the material is impressive and a little mysterious. Children are often drawn to the material, both for its beauty and its seeming complexity. Racks hold test tubes filled with beads, carefully color-coded by place value: units, tens, hundreds, thousands, all the way up to millions. Matching cups hold the dividend (the number being divided). Boards and skittles represent the divisor (the number doing the dividing). Every detail of the material reinforces place value. Each time children need to make an exchange, they trade in one bead of one category for ten of the next category (e.g. one hundred becomes ten 10’s). This process is visible and incredibly concrete. This material takes intentional focus. It takes time. And it makes the steps of long division clear. How Long Division Becomes Concrete When children solve a division problem with Racks and Tubes, they follow a logical, embodied process: They build the dividend using the racks and cups. They represent the divisor with individual figures on boards. They share beads one at a time, equally, to each part of the divisor. They stop when sharing is no longer possible and then see what remains from that category. They then bring down the next category of beads to continue the sharing process. Each step answers a real question: What does one unit get? What happens when we run out? What do we do with what’s left? Instead of being told “bring down the next digit,” children literally bring down the next category of beads. When exchanges are needed, they perform them physically by trading beads. Remainders are not mysterious leftovers. They are beads still sitting in the cup. Long division becomes a story children can follow. From Material to Abstraction One of the most beautiful aspects of this work is how naturally it leads into abstraction. At first, children record only the quotient. Later, they begin recording intermediate remainders. Eventually, they discover that multiplying the quotient by the divisor tells them how much has been used at each step. This is the very heart of the traditional algorithm. We don’t give abstract shortcuts. Instead we help children discover the pattern. This allows them to own the process. By the time children are working abstractly on paper, the algorithm already makes sense. It matches what their hands have done again and again. Why This Matters The Racks and Tubes material does more than teach division. It teaches: Deep place value understanding Logical sequencing Patience and precision Trust in one’s own reasoning Most importantly, it gives children confidence. Division is no longer something done to them. Instead, they can think through the process, step by step, with meaning and understanding. In Montessori, math is not about getting the answer quickly. It’s about building an understanding of why the process and answer makes sense. And with Racks and Tubes, long division finally does! Schedule a visit to our classrooms in Old Saybrook, CT to see for yourself!