Facing Frustration & Flipped Lids

October 7, 2024

You’ve experienced the scene before. All is quiet and calm. The kids are playing outside. Maybe you are even focused on something you’ve wanted to do for a while. And the next thing you know the door slams open and everyone comes in, teeming with frustration.

At first, you may try to piece together the details: a game, something stolen, someone who felt excluded, others defending their territory. Removed from the situation, you can probably see the dynamics at play: someone felt left out and wanted to belong but didn't know how to ask, so they do something that gets them some negative attention.

Feeling Disconnected

Our children don't necessarily use the most constructive ways to let us know what they need. Rather than say, "I feel disconnected, and I need some extra love and attention," they are more likely to hit or throw tantrums or, as they get older, say or do mean things to get us to notice. In our imaginary scene, a child who wanted to belong decided to take something to get the other children to pay attention.

In situations like this, other kids typically don’t respond well. They get defensive and usually respond with a fair amount of their own fury. When children retaliate, they aren’t thinking about any consequences of their actions, much less about another child's motivations! Even if we try to listen and have a conversation about what happened, children will often tend to become inflamed again.

Shifting Gears

This is when it is helpful to remember that we can shift gears to help children understand what is actually happening in their brains! Ideally, we find something that children can relate to and that changes their focus.

A pet reptile is an excellent option. “So you remember the gecko we saw at the pet store? She has a very basic response. If threatened, she has three options: to fight, to freeze, or to flee.” From there, we can explain how we all have a very reptilian part of our brain, the amygdala. When we feel threatened, we tend to go back to basic responses: fight, freeze, or flee.

Flipping Our Lid

We also have our frontal lobes, which allow us to think more logically and consider other options. Despite having a rational part of our brain, it is easy to do what Daniel Siegel has termed "flipping our lid."

We can show children what this is like by representing our brain with our hand. When we curl our thumb into our palm it is like the amygdala, a primitive part of our brain essential for basic functions. The amygdala is our alarm center and responds from a place of instinct. Then we can curl our fingers over our thumb so they can represent the frontal lobes of our brain, which help us with self-control, empathy, and decision-making.

When we get upset, we can "flip our lid." Our fingers (representing our frontal lobes) fly up and are out of commission, leaving our thumb (representing our amygdala) exposed. When this happens, we tend to act from the more reptilian part of our brain.

Getting Curious

When we provide this model for children, they often focus intensely on how our brains function. Yet there is still a challenge: What should we do when we are intensely upset, have a flipped lid, and are in the midst of a challenging moment?

It helps to really sit with the question with our children and lean into a place of curiosity. What if we had a plan for when we get into these kinds of moments? What if others around us were able to do this, too? What if our communities, our governments, and our countries were able to manage flipped lids? What kind of world would we experience?

When given the opportunity to explore options together, our children tend to rise to the occasion. They might decide to use each other for support when they feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger or frustration. They might also begin to think more about others’ needs and how to help them feel more included. Our children are so capable of moving from a place of not knowing to taking initial steps to figure out their own plan of action. While our children won’t have all the answers, we can help them carefully consider how to manage themselves in the face of challenges.

Curious to learn more about how we help children when we confront frustration, recognize the need to belong, and even just manage overstimulation? Schedule a tour and see for yourself how Montessori helps us all grow in beautiful ways! We also have a Positive Discipline workshop coming up on October 25, 2024. To register, click here.

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Language Revealed: The Montessori Journey to Understanding Pronouns

By Danielle Giordano • March 9, 2026

When children begin working with pronouns in Montessori, they are not learning something entirely new. Instead, they are bringing to consciousness language they already use every day. Pronoun work builds slowly and intentionally. It is not about mastering grammar rules, but about understanding how language functions and how meaning is carried when words stand in for one another. Beginning With Experience, Not Explanation Montessori pronoun work begins with movement and spoken language, not written grammar. We start with little oral games to highlight how a pronoun functions, sometimes eliminating the pronoun (“Josie and John and Jack and Josiah are walking around the table.”) and other times emphasizing the pronoun (“They are walking around the table.”). The children love acting out the phrases, sometimes chanting, moving, watching one another, and laughing. Through these physical experiences, they begin to notice that we don’t always use names when we speak. Certain words take the place of a noun, and the meaning is still clear. At this stage, we don’t offer the term pronoun because we want children to simply experience its function. From Movement to Sentences Once children are ready for more structured language work, we introduce them to the Pronoun Grammar Box so they can build and rebuild sentences using color-coded cards for each part of speech. From one sentence to the next, only a few words change as nouns get replaced by pronouns. By comparing sentences, children discover that although the word changes, the sentence still makes sense. This comparison is essential. Rather than being told what a pronoun is, children see what it does. We then invite children to add grammar symbols to the sentence (noun, article, adjective, verb, preposition, adverb) until we finally draw attention to the remaining word: “This word is used in place of a noun.” Only then do we introduce the pronoun symbol: a purple isosceles triangle, the height of the noun symbol. Montessori Lore: The Pronoun’s Story There’s a beloved story about the pronoun symbol. Long ago, the pronoun was shorter and a different color. Wanting to be as important as the noun, it stretched itself taller and taller to reach the same height. As it stretched, its base became smaller and it turned purple from the effort of standing in the noun’s place. It’s a poetic reminder of what children discover through their work: a pronoun depends on the noun, borrowing its meaning while standing in for it. Why Pronouns Come Later Pronouns are more abstract than other parts of speech. To understand a pronoun, children must already have a strong, concrete understanding of the noun. For this reason, pronouns (along with interjections) are typically introduced later than other grammar symbols, often in the elementary years. Even then, one lesson is not enough. In Montessori, the real learning happens after the presentation, when we step back and children work independently with the material. The guide’s role is to show how to use the material, not to explain grammar in detail. Understanding emerges through repeated use. Deepening Understanding Through Play and Exploration As children grow more confident, the work expands to include: Transposition games, where pronouns are removed or replaced to explore how meaning changes. Command cards, which physically isolate pronouns through action. Personal pronoun charts, introducing first, second, and third person (singular and plural) through storytelling. The Verb Family, where children explore the close relationship between the verb, adverb, and pronoun. Children discover that pronouns often work closely with verbs, helping to carry action and meaning through a sentence. Subtleties Come Later At first, Montessori avoids getting caught in fine distinctions. Over time, children may explore nuances such as the difference between possessive pronouns (the book is mine) and possessive adjectives (my book). These discussions often happen later, sometimes with the support of grammar references, once children have a solid foundation. Language Revealed, Not Taught Through this carefully layered progression of movement, sentence work, symbols, and exploration, children develop a deep understanding of how words function differently in sentences. Montessori grammar invites children to discover how language works at their own pace through hands-on exploration. We don’t rush this process. So by the time children are ready to name the pronoun, it’s not a new idea. It’s something they already know. We invite you to visit our classrooms in Old Saybrook, CT to see firsthand the children’s joy of learning!

Sleep as a Skill: A Montessori Reflection for Baby Sleep Day

By Danielle Giordano • March 1, 2026

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The Quiet Landing: Why Children Need Time After School

By Danielle Giordano • February 10, 2026

When we pick up our children from school, it’s almost automatic to ask, “How was your day?” And just as automatically, the answers tend to fall flat: fine, good, okay, or sometimes nothing at all. As adults, we can probably relate. When someone asks about our day, we don’t always feel like revisiting every detail, especially before we’ve had a chance to rest or reset. For children, this challenge is even greater. In Montessori environments, children are immersed in experiences that are rich, complex, and often difficult to put into words. How does a young child explain the sensorial experience of carefully carrying each cube of the Pink Tower across the room? Or describe the quiet satisfaction of discovering that ten tens create a hundred square? Or articulate the subtle social negotiations that happen during community lunch? Even for older children, language often lags behind experience. Why “How Was Your Day?” Can Feel Like Too Much As children move into the elementary years, they are also navigating peer relationships that are still very black and white. A single interaction can color their entire perception of the day. So their reports may sound overly simple: someone was mean, someone was nice, the day was bad, the day was good. But often, the issue isn’t that children don’t want to share. Instead, the timing is off. Research on children’s nervous systems helps explain why. When children walk out of school, their brains are often still in a state of high alert. Throughout the day they’ve managed noise, social expectations, concentration, corrections, and constant stimulation. Their nervous system hasn’t fully shifted out of “school mode” yet. So it helps if we remember that we aren’t greeting children in their most rational state. Those first minutes after pickup are a transition, not a conversation window. When we jump in with questions too quickly, even well-meaning ones, we may unintentionally overwhelm our children’s nervous system, which hasn’t had time to settle. Connection Before Conversation In Montessori, we place great importance on transitions. We know children need time to move from one state of being to another, whether that’s arriving at school, moving between activities, or going home at the end of the day. Instead of starting with questions, we can start with presence. When we first see our children, a warm greeting that communicates “I’m happy to see you” goes a long way. Some children need a snack. Some need quiet. Some need movement, proximity, or simply space. This is not the moment to gather information. This is the moment to re-establish connection. When families allow even 10 to 12 minutes of quiet decompression after school, through silence, music, or simply being together, children regulate more quickly. Evening stress decreases, cooperation improves, and children are more likely to talk voluntarily later on. Rather than interrogating right after school. Try coexisting. This pause is deeply respectful. When Children Are Ready to Talk Later, after your child has had time to settle back into your care, you may notice that conversation begins naturally. This is often when children share what mattered most to them, not what we might have thought to ask about. When you do open the door to conversation, gentle specificity helps. Broad questions like “How was your day?” can feel overwhelming. Instead, try comments that invite reflection without pressure: “I noticed you seemed really focused when I picked you up.” “I’m here if you want to tell me about something you worked on today.” “What felt good about today?” Just as important as the words is our availability. Putting down the phone, pausing the logistics, and showing with our body language that we are truly listening makes it safer for children to share. Listening for Timing, Not Just Content This approach applies across ages. Even adolescents benefit from what some call a “quiet landing” after school. When we honor timing, we’re less likely to walk into the emotional residue of the day and more likely to build cooperation and connection later. In Montessori, we often say: regulation comes before reflection. Children don’t need us to extract their feelings. They need us to create the conditions where feelings can land safely. Sometimes that looks like silence. Sometimes it looks like presence. And sometimes, after enough space has been given, it looks like a child finally saying exactly what mattered most. So the question isn’t just “Do I listen to what my child says?” And instead becomes: “Do I listen for when they’re ready to speak?” Curious to learn more strategies to support your child during transitions? Set up a time to come visit here in [Your Town/Location]. We love to connect! .